Monday, June 6, 2011

Ugly Tuna Saloona

Oof, I'm way behind in's not my fault, I swear! I've been super busy...sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, okay, I lied, I haven't been busy at all, just lazy.

Boyfriend and I decided to spend a Wednesday evening a week or two back at Ugly Tuna Saloona (say it out loud and you'll get it. See? It rhymes!).The Ugly Tuna has a great location on the second floor of a complex right off High Street, which it shares with a movie theater, meaning that the whole place smells like delicious, delicious popcorn pretty much all the time. It's more or less the ideal college bar, and even on a Wednesday night it was busy enough that we had to fight a bit for seats--that's actually one of my big complaints about this bar: it has a lot of space, but most of it is just open space. More tables would be nice, please.

Anyway. My Colgate peers will appreciate that the Ugly Tuna reminded me a bit of the Jug, if the Jug were a lot bigger and with an outdoor balcony, had cheap drinks and stalls on the bathroom doors, was much classier, and wasn't in someone's living room. So basically its resemblance to the Jug ended at the part where they both end up serving a lot of college kids with fake IDs.

I'm discovering the great thing about Columbus college bars is that the drinks are often so cheap that it's almost unbelievable. The Ugly Tuna has an every day happy hour special that includes various drinks in various low dollar amounts; forgive me for not remembering the exact specials, but like I said, this was almost two weeks ago. Specials along the lines of $1 wells and $1 drafts almost made up for the fact that there was a Spongebob Squarepants mural painted on the wall.

Boyfriend and I grabbed some cheap wells, and in the course of enjoying them we noticed a pretty spectacular drink a couple tables over--a giant fishbowl of punch that looked like it was being split by about half a dozen people. Boyfriend suggested we come back some other day with reinforcements and take on a fishbowl of our own, but I'm far too impatient for that nonsense and made the extremely mature choice to order one just for the two of us. It came with six giant straws.

Yeah. So. The thing about the fishbowl. I drank about two-thirds to three-fourths of it, with Boyfriend, who was driving, consuming only a modest amount. I would not recommend the fishbowl. I drank nearly that entire freakin' fishbowl and while I'm pretty sure the shit-ton of sugar gave me diabetes, I was not even remotely drunk. Nauseous from consuming about a gallon of HI-C punch, yes; intoxicated in any way, not at all. I imagine the fishbowl would be immensely popular with a birthday party of nine-year-olds, but please don't actually purchase it for your nine-year-old because if I'm wrong and there is alcohol in it, a birthday party of drunk nine-year-olds would not really be the best thing ever.

In any case, my only symptom after drinking enough sugar water to put a hive of honey bees into a coma was that I was enormously hungry for the popcorn I could smell from the movie theater next door. It was around midnight, and as we were leaving, I insisted Boyfriend buy me popcorn. When we ordered, the woman at the concession stand asked if we'd already bought our tickets, at which point I had to explain that we weren't actually seeing a movie, I'm just a fat-ass who eats movie theater popcorn at midnight on a Wednesday. I expressed my surprise that I was the first person to have done such a thing; No, she said, people do it all the time, just that "You might be the first sober person."

Like I said. Don't buy the fishbowl.

Ugly Tuna Saloona on Urbanspoon


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