Friday, June 17, 2011

The Santa Maria

Technically, The Santa Maria isn't a bar. It's better. It's a freakin' pirate ship.

Well, actually, it's the world's most accurate recreation of Christopher Columbus's ship the Santa Maria, which is docked on the Scioto River in Columbus a couple blocks from our apartment. Why the Santa Maria and not the Nina or the Pinta, I couldn't tell you; but it's docked in Columbus and not somewhere else because, well...Columbus...Christopher Columbus...make sense now?

Anyway, our drinking adventure on The Santa Maria came about as a result of the really awesome website CouchSurfing. I've been a member of CouchSurfing for about a year now, and while I haven't yet had the chance to actually surf on a couch, when I moved to Columbus I realized that the website might be a good way to meet people in the area. The Columbus CouchSurfing group is pretty active, so Boyfriend and I have been able to meet a few people through weekly meet-ups. Two weeks ago, the Columbus chapter threw a huge event known as a Couch Crash, a weekend long party where Couch Surfers from all over the world travel to the host city to meet other Couch Surfers. The highlight party of the Columbus Couch Crash was the "I'm On A Boat" party, hosted on The Santa Maria.

The party was BYOB so Boyfriend and I brought a six-pack, but turns out we really underestimated the generosity of the Couch Surfing crowd. We'd brought enough for ourselves; turns out everyone else had brought enough for, well, everyone else, and there was a bartender handing out drinks. There was by far enough booze to go around.

Couch Surfers are kind of the most interesting people on earth. The party, which was nautical themed, featured everything from pirates to a mermaid being eaten by a shark to Steve Zissou. The highlights of the friendships I made on The Santa Maria include:
  • Lawyer, who had just finished law school and was studying for the bar exam. He was the one dressed as Steve Zissou, and was kind enough to let me wear his Steve Zissou hat. I asked him if he could offer me legal advice as to what fate would befall me if I killed Boyfriend by pushing him overboard. Lawyer said I should just claim it was an accident and that I couldn't rescue him because I couldn't swim. I thought this was a solid defense until Boyfriend pointed out that I'm scuba-certified and it would be hard to convince a jury that I actually can't swim.
  • Russian, who claimed to be from Russia, and said he was motorcycling across the United States, and then he said lots of other things that I don't actually remember because they were pretty unbelievable and Boyfriend and I are fairly certain he was full of cow excrement.
  • Boatman, who actually worked as a tour guide on The Santa Maria. I asked him if I could climb up to the crow's nest, but he said the only people who are allowed to do that are the people who work there. So then I told him I was going to come back the next day and apply for a job. I never did.
  • Architect, to whom I gave a lesson in hubris by insisting that if you're going to tell people you're an architect, then you better be prepared to point out no less than three buildings in the skyline that you personally designed and built by hand. Architect said he had not built any of the buildings on the skyline. I told him he should learn to be a better liar and just go ahead and take credit for the whole damn city. I mean, your average citizen wouldn't know the difference, anyway.
  • Assistant Prosecutor, who is married to Architect. I don't think she was actually an assistant prosecutor, but she was some sort of lawyer with the District Attorney's office. She was very baffled when I asked her if she was aware that Architect had personally designed the entire city of Columbus.
The boat party was probably one of the most fun nights Boyfriend and I have had in Columbus. I highly recommend renting out the place for your next birthday, graduation party, bar mitzvah, wedding, funeral, or any other occasion you can think of that calls for celebration.

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